I went through life feeling sad, anxious, desperate, hopeless, lost, depressed, stressed and very very angry. I hated it that no one seemed to 'get me'. That I always felt like second choice, I felt invisible, like I was unimportant, that what I wanted never mattered. I felt so frustrated and at times enraged that I had to 'comply or else', that I was forced to live by someone else's values and beliefs, that I had to live my life, on someone else's terms! I constantly felt trapped and desperate to turn things around, but I just didn't know how to.
There were times that I felt such despair at the pain of being alive, that I just wanted to end it all! What stopped me from taking myself out of this life was my children, I simply could not bear to cause them the pain, I also lacked the courage.
I literally fumbled through life, had many relationships, with 4 of them being abusive. I had been bullied and molested as a child, so the abusive relationships I endured as an adult at first 'felt normal.' I didn't know any better, for my entire life it had felt like other people were trying to manipulate and push me into 'their way', to do what they wanted me to do and to be who they wanted me to be. I became a chronic people pleaser, believing that if I pleased others and showered them with love, that I would then be acceptable and that they would love me back.
I longed to be cherished and adored for who I was, except I didn't know who that was. I always felt stressed and unsafe in this world, and in life, which as a result affected my health profoundly. Most of the health conditions I was afflicted with were auto-immune illnesses which is when the body literally attacks itself! I disliked myself so intensely, that even my own body had turned on me!